Reluctantly accepting defeat...
As much as I have tried to fight it and as much as I hate to admit it…depression has gotten the better of me. I am literally now to the point where I can’t take care of myself…I can’t hold down a job, I am not eating, my personal hygiene has gone to shit and there is nothing I can do about it. Except…
Last night, I even scared myself as I placed a tall glass of antifreeze in the refrigerator, to chill, as if it were some vintage Chardonnay that I had been saving for just such a special occasion. There is only so much a person can take...and hovering near the bottom as I have, I thought I was pretty much there. Realizing the seriousness and desperate nature of the situation I hopped into my car and drove 5 hrs to be with a close friend of mine who has pretty much been there for me throughout my “fall from grace”…she also happened to be a classmate of mine from medical school and has been the one constant person that I have confided in and leaned on throughout this whole ordeal. And, it is now becoming painfully clear to me the toll my depression has even taken on her…she has been my strongest advocate and confidant…but even she has reached her limit.
In reality, as I am experiencing this, it is still all so surreal…it is as if I am watching one of those E! Hollywood specials that documents the fall of some former childhood actor or some celebrity who was unable to deal with the pressures of trying to make it in Hollywood. I just wish I could turn off the television and get back to my life, but the reality is…this is my life.
To put things in perspective…physically, I have essentially gone from someone who had a pretty positive self-image…I was a former amateur bodybuilder (and male entertainer on occasion) who enjoyed yoga, eating healthy and taking care of himself to now being a broken down middle-aged man who really doesn’t give a shit about his body…in fact, there is a certain degree of self-destructive neglect and damage that I actually think I deserve…how fucked up is that? And, intellectually, I have gone from graduating college with honors to being a medical student with aspiration to be a surgeon to now being unable to focus and concentrate on the simplest of tasks!!!!
Bottom line...Depression sucks!
Last night, I even scared myself as I placed a tall glass of antifreeze in the refrigerator, to chill, as if it were some vintage Chardonnay that I had been saving for just such a special occasion. There is only so much a person can take...and hovering near the bottom as I have, I thought I was pretty much there. Realizing the seriousness and desperate nature of the situation I hopped into my car and drove 5 hrs to be with a close friend of mine who has pretty much been there for me throughout my “fall from grace”…she also happened to be a classmate of mine from medical school and has been the one constant person that I have confided in and leaned on throughout this whole ordeal. And, it is now becoming painfully clear to me the toll my depression has even taken on her…she has been my strongest advocate and confidant…but even she has reached her limit.
In reality, as I am experiencing this, it is still all so surreal…it is as if I am watching one of those E! Hollywood specials that documents the fall of some former childhood actor or some celebrity who was unable to deal with the pressures of trying to make it in Hollywood. I just wish I could turn off the television and get back to my life, but the reality is…this is my life.
To put things in perspective…physically, I have essentially gone from someone who had a pretty positive self-image…I was a former amateur bodybuilder (and male entertainer on occasion) who enjoyed yoga, eating healthy and taking care of himself to now being a broken down middle-aged man who really doesn’t give a shit about his body…in fact, there is a certain degree of self-destructive neglect and damage that I actually think I deserve…how fucked up is that? And, intellectually, I have gone from graduating college with honors to being a medical student with aspiration to be a surgeon to now being unable to focus and concentrate on the simplest of tasks!!!!
Bottom line...Depression sucks!
posted by Hopelessly Depressed at 4:47 PM
6 Comments:
So, where do you go from here? My ex sounds like your friend. He was always in my corner and my support, but eventually even he got tired of the toll the depression took on him and us, so I cut him loose to find something better and faced up to some hard truths in myself.
ohmigosh, please dont do anything you wont be around to regret!
I'm soooo sorry that you are going through this, I was for real when i said that if you need someone to talk to, i'm here :)
you always have options:
check into a hospital, then you will get sick and have more to blog about.
Get away - as in your trip to see the friend.
As long as you toy with the idea the self destruction could be a solution ( it is not, it just shifts your pain to others) then you will miss the real solution.
I should put this in email, buthere goes:
My best friend is alone, NO parents. She is alone because her younger brother would not seek treatment for his depression, and gassed himself in his truck, in his garage, and left his young widow with a shitload of grief and anger and pain that it will take her the rest of her life to work out.
I hate him for what he did, to those two fine women. what a chiken shit low thing to do to the two people who love you most! Don't do it. get the help you KNOW is there, if only to prove Tom Cruise wrong!
I love humor, it helps and heals. did I hear you laugh? now go take a shower, you STINK!
I am so sorry to worry or concern you guys...I really am. Maybe I should retitle the post "Reluctantly nearing the Bottom." While I admit that I don't want to exist anymore I just don't think I have it in me to attempt suicide...I am too afraid that I would mess that up also and be worse off than I am now.
The thing that sucks right now is that I am in Pittsburgh...not one of my favorite cities...and have been on the phone all day yesterday and today trying to get into see a psychiatrist or psychologist...with mental health you have to either be in "crisis mode", which I realize one could argue that I am...or you have to wait a week or two to get an appointment...and if you don't have insurance (which luckily I do) you're pretty much screwed...if someone is uninsured, and likely unemployed, putting off their care or forcing them to go to the ER when perhaps their condition is subacute makes absolutely no sense..I mean where is the logic in that!...but I digress.
Actually, good news...as I was just writing this I got a call from a therapist and will be seeing someone tomorrow...I explained my sitation to her and she went out of her way to get me in...it is a good thing I had insurance or I would have been out of luck.
I'll keep you guys posted. Your kind words and concern mean more than you guys could ever know...thanks.
Hey James...
I know Pittsburgh sucks but I take it you're not a Steelers fan?I would think it would be fun around there right now.
Seriously antifreeze works? Just in case I might need to know at some point in future.
I know, not funny. But I hope my lame attempts at humor help you take the necessary action to rise out of the pit. The pit we all know and sometimes I believe we embrace. After all it is comforting to hate ourselves when that is what we are used to. It is like scaling Mt.Everest in sneakers to actually go and get the help we need to turn it around. But you must. You posted on the Oprah site so maybe you saw the show where Dr. Robin (who I know believe it or not) talked about "intrinsic worth." That means no matter what we are doing no matter what we are thinking no matter how down and out we are we have worth because we are here. That is what I try to consider in times of despair when I'm like how did I get here? Why am I alone? Why can't my career which once was thriving get back on track? And oh, yeah, will I ever find love before I die?
So believe me baby you are not alone. This blog has helped many probably those who viewed and didn't even post. You helped me. So at least do what you need to do to help yourself. We are all pulling for you, because we need you. When the day is bad, when the times are tough, at least there is someone out here in cyberspace who understands exactly where we are at our lowest.
James, my e-mail is gardnera@netutah.com.
I feel suicidal all the time, I relate. But I also lost my son, coincidentally named James, to suicide. I live in anguish.
James. reach out. I know how you feel, and I do not say that lightly.
I know, too, that suicide will not ease your pain, unfortunately. It will increase it. I would like the chance to explain. There is no way out but through, hon.
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