Questions and Thoughts that Tournment my Mind...
What is point of life? And I am not trying to be profound or anything…I think that would be asking way too much at this point in time of my life. I think I am searching for a more pragmatic answer.
Think about it…if you have no reason to get out of bed in the morning…I mean nothing to look forward to…either personally or professionally…and your day is filled with nothing but pain, regret and sorrow…really what is the point?
How does one reconcile the current state of their life with the former life they lived and worked so hard for…and really enjoyed?
Is it possible to be content, let alone happy, again?
Perhaps, more importantly, what if you have lost your hope? Isn’t it hope that gets us through the trying times? I can honestly say that I have reached the point of hopelessness...and I have actually been there for some time. I would say my life, over the last few years, has been an invariable state of hopelessness interrupted by fleeting moments of false-hope and pseudo-happiness. What do you do when you get to that point…commit suicide? I guess some do…I ‘ve tried it myself, unsuccessfully, twice (it is a lot harder thing to do than some might think)…so what option does that leave you? I guess that is really the question that I am trying to answer.
I definitely feel that I am at a crossroad in my life and I am struggling with this peculiar fantasy/realization that the next stop on this downward spiral, if I don’t do something about it, is homelessness (and I am not being melodramatic here)….and knowing this I still can’t do anything about it. I honestly just want to walk away from my broken life...I just want to leave everything and everyone. In a strange and esoteric way I find a certain level of comfort in the notion of being homeless…with no hopes, no dreams and no expectations.
Think about it…if you have no reason to get out of bed in the morning…I mean nothing to look forward to…either personally or professionally…and your day is filled with nothing but pain, regret and sorrow…really what is the point?
How does one reconcile the current state of their life with the former life they lived and worked so hard for…and really enjoyed?
Is it possible to be content, let alone happy, again?
Perhaps, more importantly, what if you have lost your hope? Isn’t it hope that gets us through the trying times? I can honestly say that I have reached the point of hopelessness...and I have actually been there for some time. I would say my life, over the last few years, has been an invariable state of hopelessness interrupted by fleeting moments of false-hope and pseudo-happiness. What do you do when you get to that point…commit suicide? I guess some do…I ‘ve tried it myself, unsuccessfully, twice (it is a lot harder thing to do than some might think)…so what option does that leave you? I guess that is really the question that I am trying to answer.
I definitely feel that I am at a crossroad in my life and I am struggling with this peculiar fantasy/realization that the next stop on this downward spiral, if I don’t do something about it, is homelessness (and I am not being melodramatic here)….and knowing this I still can’t do anything about it. I honestly just want to walk away from my broken life...I just want to leave everything and everyone. In a strange and esoteric way I find a certain level of comfort in the notion of being homeless…with no hopes, no dreams and no expectations.
posted by Hopelessly Depressed at 12:59 PM
5 Comments:
hey james...first of all i want to thank you. you responded to my post on the oprah site and i found your blog. It really helped. The link to A Healthy Place was invaluable at pulling me out of this latest depression. After spending some time going through that site and seeing all the different approaches to depression, it really gave me some hope. I made some calls and fortunately found some sympathetic ears. But more than that I started exercising again and I've discovered that for me both light (sunshine) and exercise are my antidepressants. They do everything that meds can do but faster and without side affects (unless you include strained back, strained hip, sore knees, etc.) I thank you for the blog and for reaching out. I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling. I have had the tendency in the past to feel "cured" when I'm feeling good but I know that I need to be supported by therapy if not medication so I'm seeking that. But this is my first week back at the gym, I went out to the movies with a friend last night, I got waxing and pedicure -- all very good signs that I am back to myself. Exercise has been amazing for me. The things that are bugging me are still there but more easily dealt with. I just know that I have to remember that I'm not "cured" I have just found a way to manage my susceptibility to this devastating malady. That is what is hard for me, accepting that I can't always control my mind and that I can't always shake off setbacks like other people do. It's tempting to say oh, I'm good now and go on, and with exercise I might be able to. I've definitely learned that exercise is key, I can't even act like it's an option anymore. But I do still need some support on how I view and deal with life, especially setbacks and motivation.
James at least take hope in that you are reaching out through this blog and helping others. It does help to accept who you are. I suspect that that very sensitivity that I believe leads people to depression is probably what led you to medical school and then out...I don't know just guessing. It's not a bad thing to have. It just means that you have to protect yourself better than others. I'm always amazed at how people can detach, because I'm just not that good at it.
Anyway, I hope you are as well as can be.
T
Misstee2u,
I am glad to hear that you are successfully dealing with your depression…and I am so glad that I was able to help…you really don’t know how much that means to me…and I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I just wish there was so much more that I could do to help more people who are struggling with depression...ironically, I say that as I feel I am losing my own battle with depression.
And, honestly, right now, this blogging experience is proving to be my life line. Thanks again.
-James
Sweetie you are welcome and I'm glad that you have found a lifeline, because sometimes that's what we need. I know better than to say do this or that because I can only tell you what works for me. I'm a writer (imagine that! a writer who struggles with depression!) but one of the things that helps me overall is that my natural instinct is to research things. So that Healthy Place site helped so much because it had so many different kinds of people on there who had found so many ways to deal with depression. Exercise does for me what they say antidepresants do, but much faster. I know that if my sleep is off -- too much or too little I'll be messed up. I know that sunshine makes a great difference. I know eating right does, too.
I wish I could be as helpful to you as you have been to me. I know you mentioned therapy and how difficult it is to get it right. And I agree it's like trying to find a good man LOL. But I would urge you to keep trying and to use this blog as your support system until you find the right combination of things. I know the depressive syndrome - isolate. refuse help because you don't think you can be helped. And when your mind is messed up, usually you feel horrible physically and don't feel like doing shit. But if there is somewhere isolated you can go where you don't have to talk to people...where you can pull a hat down low and wear dark glasses, of course it sounds crazy, but I know the feeling of not even wanting to make casual conversation. But I would say get out, even if its 10 minutes. Get out in the sun and just walk. See if just inhaling the sun as I like to do is helpful. If not, that's okay too, but just keep writing becuase that seems to be providing you with some interaction and some hope.
I loved the Gloria Steinem quote -- so true...
Another thing that helped me when I was really down ) I watched comedy. Mind you, I'm not really a comedy person, don't have a lot of dumb humor movies. But shows like "Arliss" and "Martin" always made me laugh before. Whatever you may have found funny before might eke a chuckle out of you now. It really helps and I found myself smiling or even laughing almost in spite of myself. Again, it's just a suggestion.
T
T
Oh my gosh. Reading your words is like reading my own mind. Being depressed does suck. It is killing me slowly. I have thought about going to the Psych ER but I am so afraid that somehow my records will get out and I will lose my job or everyone will know what I'm suffering through.
I couldn't agree more.
I totally know what you mean.
I can empathize.
You are SO RIGHT.
Did I mention that you are right?
You are brave for writing your honest feelings + i really admire that!
Continue writing.
It's so beauty-full.
I wish I could tell you that you CAN get over depression but I can't.
I'm depressed as we speak. And that's an understatement. Way over my head...
Know that you are not alone.
~E
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